I know neither of us deleted the blog. And this was my blog originally for some of those that didn’t know..
I thought I would write a quick update for those of you wondering what may be new or what has been going on the past few months.
First off I am going to say the last 3 months of my life have been the toughest months I have ever lived in my entire life.
I started counseling in September over severe anxiety I was happening and started to see a psychiatrist.
I was then put on the medication Zoloft for my anxiety and depression. Needless to say I didn’t have a good reaction to it one bit.. So after almost 2 weeks on it I felt very suicidal and was thinking things I never would have before it. I then told the psychiatrist at my campus this..
An ambulance then came and go me and took me to the local psych hospital. I am not going to go into much detail about that place but I swear it is hell on Earth needless to say. And I pray NONE Of you have to experience it. And if you have already before I am very sorry.
Luckily I was only in there for 22 hours and was able to go back to my dorms and return to a normal life. Yet, my thoughts and anxiety still stayed there as I had to get off Zoloft. This was not easy one bit and so I decided to see a new psychiatrist. Which then led me to start two new medications..
Yet, those didn’t appear to help with my anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or depression either.
Until last week where I cracked BIG time. I had pills in my hand on Tuesday night and I was sure I was just ready to leave this world. I didn’t care what I said to anyone and I hurt some people along the way.. Then Saturday came and I still felt suicidal and decided to reach out to friends. I then got sent to the ER to get a cat scan of my brain but no damage was found.. Then after there I was sent by to the SAME psych hospital once more..
This time I was there for 26 hours and I even saw some of the same people the last time I was there. I saw even worse things this time.. That I am not exactly ready to tell to everyone just yet. But I was thankful to get out of there by far. So I got to get back to my normal life on Monday back with my friends..
Who needless to say were all very worried and freaked.. My suicidal thoughts were even worse. I started to write goodbye letters to all my friends near and dear to me. So I didn’t just leave them with nothing. I was bawling my eyes out and I just couldn’t do it anymore.. Yet, one of my close friends at the dorm figured it out and came over.
Soon after that my mom decided to have my dad pick me up from school because I was not safe there at all.
So I am sure some of you are wondering where I am now and what is going on.. Well my parents and I are discovering I most likely have an EXTREME case of OCD.. Mainly the Obsessive part though where you have thoughts that do not go away at all. They keep going in a circle. It can be from wanting to eat cake all day to even your own sexuality and gender. It is a very confusing disease for other’s to understand.. And I am learning that. But I want to educate people on it because it is not a fun disease at all and it is VERY tough.
I started to see a new therapist yesterday who specializes in OCD and I am going to see her twice a week and I am on medication for OCD. I am not going to lie and say I don’t feel like I want to die every day still. It is a tough battle I am fighting and scary. I just want all of you to know that mental illness is NOT something that can be seen by the eye.. It isn’t like a friend coming to you with a broken arm. So if a friend is trying to reach out please listen.. If they try to push you away do NOT let them.. I have learned this the hard way. I know I don’t have the right to blame everything I have done on my illness. But I will admit it is not easy..
If you have anymore questions feel free to ask. Thanks for reading.. I know it is long.